Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
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[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
my mom making me talk to relatives
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
peeping toms
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.