crying
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Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.