Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
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alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
vegan witches, happy halloween!
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.