Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
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You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
they split up moments later
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”