[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
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My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Not all heroes wear capes…
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…