Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
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It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Passwords are more important than ever.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.