“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
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[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO