Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
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Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.