Cucumbers Anonymous
You Might Also Like
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
HR said no more nunchucks.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
ACED my prostate exam!
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I don’t think my car can fly
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.