culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
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I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.