Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
You Might Also Like
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*