Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
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[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
no!! no!!!!!!
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”