Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
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[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.