Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!


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It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.


Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough


Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.


A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]


I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad


Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro


Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs


[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie


we lost our power
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds