@AmishPornStar1

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

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@alldrolledup

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

@HushJared

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

@KevinFarzad

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

@PhilJamesson

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

@DaddyJew

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

@dumbbeezie

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

@Cornjerker78

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

@CornOnTheGoblin

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

@murrman5

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds