@DamonHunzeker

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

You Might Also Like

@BlackCatBettie

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

@Carbosly

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

@DrunjAF

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

@GoldenSpirals

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

@sofarrsogud

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

@RidiculousSheri

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

@Kyle_Lippert

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

@wolfpupy

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong