@BlackCatBettie You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
@DamonHunzeker Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
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@BlackCatBettie 
@Carbosly My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
@UNDEADTRESOR Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
@DrunjAF My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
@GoldenSpirals Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
@sofarrsogud I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
@RidiculousSheri I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
@Kyle_Lippert Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
@wolfpupy bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong