Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

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You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.


My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.


Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.


My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.


5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions


Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.


I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.


I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.


Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.


bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong