“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
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doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.