Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@d_whitehouse

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

@Erin1137

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

@burntmybagel

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

@10InchesPlus

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

@H0TMessBarbie

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

@QueenVofCoffee

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

@CandyEmpires

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

@Kyle_Lippert

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

@NottaBigDeal

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.