Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
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“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out