@noog

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

You Might Also Like

@AndySandford

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

@geekysteven

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

@TheDeducers

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

@david8hughes

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

@briancthayer

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

@McSwtrvst

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

@ThisRebelSoul

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

@capnwatsisname

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

@BacklineNurse

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”