@noog

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

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@Erin1137

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

@10InchesPlus

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

@QueenVofCoffee

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

@CandyEmpires

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

@Kyle_Lippert

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

@NottaBigDeal

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.