My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.