Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
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I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?