Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
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Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Happy Friday
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans