Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
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Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”