Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**


On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.


Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.


Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”


I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.


Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no


I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.