Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
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4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.