Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
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uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Strangers have the best candy.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good