Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
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(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.