curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
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Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
This made me smile…
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Otters see a butterfly.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs