Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
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*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*