Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
You Might Also Like
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
#Caturday
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.