Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
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Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?