Current mood: Potato
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me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I want this so bad
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.