CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Breaking news:
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
no one ever comes back
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about