Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
You Might Also Like
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Stick it to the man
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
When he asks for feet pics
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..