Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
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Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.