Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

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Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”


Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.


“What do you want?”
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what


Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it


Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.


*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.


friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?


Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it


I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.