Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
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[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”