Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
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Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.