Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
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Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
*updates tinder bio*
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream