@Sarrah_Sloan

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

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@petemandik

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

@carlyken

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

@Rollmaninoz

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

@GianDoh

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

@KayRants

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

@bjaynash

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

@BobGolen

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

@PopeAwesomeXIII

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

@heyitsJudeD

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

@AnniemuMary

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?