-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

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If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.


[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders


*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm


I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.


I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.


Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.


“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”


I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.


If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….


Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?