Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
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me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Note to self: always read the final line
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
podcasts
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.