Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
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impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.