Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
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When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.