customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
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Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: