Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
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This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Shark week, but for squirrels.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
huge if true: the moon
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.