customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
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Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
They grow up so quick