Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

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[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.


[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive


Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.


My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.


I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill


“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family


A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.


[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.