Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
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I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.