customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
You Might Also Like
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Taliband
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.