Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
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Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭