CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
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Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Who did it better?
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.