Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
You Might Also Like
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
School be like
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.