Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
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Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Facebook memories be like
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period