[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
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Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame