Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
You Might Also Like
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Tammy is short for Tamuel