CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
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it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it