Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 馃槶
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
You probably can鈥檛 even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I鈥檓 starving.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don鈥檛 know what kind of trip I think I鈥檓 gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I鈥檓 sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it鈥檚 only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Kevin Hart 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you鈥檙e walking through the park and there鈥檚 a statue of your friend Jeff
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that鈥檒l be $40,000
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn鈥檛 sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one鈥檚 about to stab me cuz I鈥檓 thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?