Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
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A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem